My cat gives me a boner
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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