Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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