i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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