Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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