My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
