I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
