she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
