I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
