Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
