I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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