i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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