Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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