A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
