It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
