I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
