In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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