I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
