i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
