Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
