i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
