I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
