just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
