dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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