My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
