I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
