I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize