We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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