What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They should really pass out barf bags in church
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
mondays should just be called national damage control day
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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