apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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