i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
