if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
