There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
