it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
