I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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