Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
