Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
