that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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