I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
