she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize