u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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