Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize