i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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