I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize