I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
