What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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