I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
