At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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