Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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