Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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