So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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