The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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