so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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