$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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