So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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