he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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